I’m in a place of uncertainty with God.

Wait, let me lie down on the couch. . . tonight’s blog is a therapy session for me.

There, that’s better.

Uh, wait, who ate Cheetos on the couch?

Ok, well whatever.

Like I said, I’m in a place of uncertainty with God.  By the way, you’re not charging for this are you?  If you are I’ve got to confess, the only currency I’m carrying these days is Playskool money so if you don’t take that then, well I guess we will have to work on credit.

And that’s part of my uncertainty.

Holding on to God’s promises when there is no physical proof is really hard.

My family is existing in this place of trusting God for financial provision because we believe God told us to come to this figurative place of trusting him.  And what that looks like in reality is me staying home with the kids and Jason venturing into the world of start-up businesses.  Last I checked, they weren’t handing out bags of money for mamas wanting to stay home and what can I say about start-ups?  They can be unpredictable at best.

When we go big, we go big.

We were learning to really walk by faith and God was really providing.  Every single time. I was feeling pretty pumped. . . until things recently got a little rockier and now we are having to go without the training wheels of an unemployment check to fall back on.

Can I just take this moment to have a whine fest?   But God!  This is sooooo hard.

On the one hand I’m like 3-year-old-proud of our family.

As in, I’m beaming like a kid who went all night long without wetting the bed for the first time.

We’ve been in tough financial places before and Jason and I have lost our unity by taking out our frustrations on each other instead of stopping and asking God, what the heck is going on.  So, this round, even though things have gotten tougher, we’ve done better at saying, “Hey, we are frustrated but God is doing something here.  We should probably try and figure out what that is and get on board with that.”

But on the other hand, I’m getting really impatient with God and myself.

As in 2-year-old-impatient, like I want to scream and throw down and say, “When is this freaking going to end already God?”  And maybe I did do a little of that in the van the other day (I was alone so mostly it just looked like I was crazy to the other drivers on the road).

And somewhere in the middle of everything is where I’ve been living for the past week.  Questioning God, questioning myself, questioning Jason, and wondering why my dog eats so much. . . doesn’t she know how much dog food costs?

And in all of my ranting, raving, whining and praying, all I’ve been able to say resolutely is that:

Our consciences are clear and God is up to something.

Which is great for figuring out that what we are experiencing is not a result of disobeying God.  But it’s not so great for needing answers about what to do next.

And so, I’m finding myself needing to slow down and just sit before God.  Which even that throws me off these days since I’m out of coffee creamer.  I shouldn’t really put it on the credit card so I’m back to drinking tea and it’s just another reminder, during my time with God, that this is soooo hard.

Sheesh, when God gets your attention, he really gets your attention.  I mean, that’s almost cruel to take away the coffee creamer.

And I know that this seems like a really big deal to me, just like it seems like a huge deal to my kids when they are told that naps are not negotiable.  But I’m looking out for their best interest, just like somehow I know that this is a short term thing that God is using for my good  (just a disclaimer, long-term poverty is not God’s intention for your life).

I’ve noticed that just a few short days without money and the prospect of money has really rocked my faith in God’s provision.  And maybe that is what God is trying to iron out in me.

I know he wants me to be stable in my faith.

And to remain anchored to the promises of provision that he’s given me.

So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:22-25 (The Message)

So for now, all I know to do is to “just keep swimming” and trusting God.

Circumstances lie, but God never does.

Thanks for listening and hey, a dust buster might be just the thing to get these Cheetos up from your couch. (You thought we were at my house didn’t you?)

Seriously though, you’re not going to charge me for this right?

Also, wanted to share this video with you.  I stumbled across it tonight but it is incredible.