I’m in the final stages of editing my book and I should be excited.
But I’m not.
I’m sitting in a corner in Panera as I type this, trying to resist the urge to curl into a ball and rock back and forth.
Am I afraid that my writing isn’t as good as I want it to be?
Am I afraid that no one will read it and I’ll become the laughingstock of social media sites everywhere?
Probably a little.
Am I afraid of putting myself out there and letting everyone see the scars and bruises of my past?
Why are new forays in being open and honest always so scary?
When we were pre-kids, Jason and I went to resort in Mexico for a friend’s wedding. It was beautiful – room service, gorgeous beaches, room service, fun people, and did I mention – room service. They even made those cute towel animals every morning and put them on the bed for us. Awwwwww.
It was perfect and . . . ummmm, nude.
The pool staff were apparently used to having some of it’s more European guests more comfortable with the ‘skin to the wind’ philosophy.
If you catch my drift.
So we averted our eyes as an older couple literally let it all hang out. Wrinkles, pudginess, and all. Vulnerability like that is hard to come by.
No, really – I think I swam to the other side of the pool. It was that uncomfortable.
Being open and honest is difficult.
Especially when it comes to our dreams and goals.
I used to think that I was a little like that older couple. That I was okay with letting it all hang out, letting people watch me grow in the process of pursuing my dreams.
But the truth is, I’m comfortable with you letting it all hang out.
Me – I want my stuff nipped, tucked, and in a tidy package.
I want to look like I have it all together.
We don’t like to be naked and exposed. All of our flaws out in the open for everyone to see.
But when you’re venturing on something new, it is inevitable. You and I will make mistakes and people will see our “nakedness”.
Maybe you’re starting a new business?
Launching a new ministry?
Moving to another state?
Writing a book?
It’s all new and a little scary.
When did we stop giving ourselves permission to try something new?
To have the confidence to try?
Hebrews 10:35 says this:
Do not, therefore, fling away your (fearless) confidence, for it has a glorious and great reward.
The definition of confidence is, “full trust, belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing.”
Full belief in the reliability of God to see us through.
When did we stop believing that God was big enough to help us in the newness?
I don’t want to stop believing that God is bigger than my flaws.
I don’t want to stagnate in my thinking.
So, I’m going to try this whole European, openness thing. I’m going to fight the urge to bury my book in some file on my laptop.
I’m going to hold onto my confidence.
How about you?
Scattered, my new book, comes out June 1st, 2016.