Tag: healing

Did Somebody Say Repost?

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Onionized

Hey guys, reposting tonight!

Hope you’re encouraged by this to keep going. . .

 

ONIONIZED

I’ve heard that ogres are like onions, they have layers. . .

and I guess people are kinda like that too.

We ebb and flow, we have seasons of triumph, seasons of what feels like defeat, we have these high seasons with God where we touch the miraculous and then, wham!

We are thrust into a season of onion-ness.  Where we have a layer pulled back and we are exposed.  Motivations, fears, struggles all right there out in the open.

And like any onion – it makes your eyes water, vision momentarily blurs, and you’re left sobbing like a girl.  Saying things like, “I’m not crying, my eyes just sprung a leak.”

I’ll be really honest here and say, I’m not a big fan of being peeled back like an onion.

It’s like being sat down on an old musty couch while loved ones sit around you in a circle.  Corralling you in like cattle. . .just in case you wanted to escape, meanwhile you’ve been cornered in your own personal intervention.

This is how God does that.

He onionizes you.

You find yourself in situations you’d rather not be in and you get to watch as your fears, trust issues, thoughts and behaviors all rise to the surface.

And it’s really hard to take an honest look in God’s mirror, especially if you’ve been walking with him for a while.  There is a naive part of me that thinks this part of the process will somehow get easier, but the truth is it doesn’t.

How’s that for a ray of hope for your 2014?

But it’s true, at least for me.  When life is sorta predictable, it’s easy to settle.  To stay on this side of the Jordan (check out Numbers 32).

But it is hard to be vulnerable with God sometimes.

Maybe harder still to be honest with ourselves.

I mean, after all I totally trust God to provide for me, to protect me, to heal me, to comfort me . . . you know, that is until I don’t.

Onionizing – totally effective at showing us what we really believe.

And the truth is that nothing else will heal those areas.  We can slap a bandage over them but now that they’ve been onionized, we’ve got to bring it to the Healer.

And then we’ve got to stay there.

I’ve tried the whole, lob a quick prayer up, “God, I’ve got issues.  Heal me.” and that’s an okay start but sometimes he wants us to linger in the healing with him.  You know actually, park ourselves before him and listen to what he might have to say about our wounds.

Some might require forgiveness.

Some a change in the way we think.

Some might be allowing God to take you back into childhood memories to face old fears.

The thing is, only the Healer knows.

And how, he knows.

He knows us through and through.

I feel God tugging gently on my heart to allow him to go places into my memories.

Places in my heart.

Places that hide dark monsters from my past.

And I know he wants to walk with me there.

Because these monsters of fear and mistrust keep me from him.

And here is what has come to the surface, I am afraid he really isn’t the protector the Psalms claim he is or that I don’t quite fit the mold of what he’s looking for or that he will just tell me to just stop whining and suck it up. . .and so I unknowingly (okay sometimes knowingly) hesitate to bring my onionized self truly before him.

But here I am once again.

I’m hearing the quiet whisper of God across my heart saying there are some deep places of fear and mistrust.

Places he wants to heal.

Places he wants me to trust him with.

And inwardly I hear myself let out a little bit of a groan.  Partly because he’s right, I need healing.  It’s a cyclical process, just as the human body is constantly healing itself from scrapes and paper cuts, we need that in our souls too.  Not only is it okay.  It’s necessary.

But mostly I groan, because the last 5 years have been an intense season of discipline.  Seriously, someone hand me some Ben-Gay because my faith muscles are sore!

Transitioning from discipline to healing sounds brutal.

But as I pull myself up from the trenches and haul my carcass off to God’s infirmary, I’m sane enough to know it’s necessary.

 

Photo Credit: “Food” by Pentapfel, permissions through C.C. by 2.0

The Eye of God

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The Eye of God

I write for my sanity.

You thought I wrote just because I loved you.

I do.

I really do.

But writing also helps keep me sane.

You see, by writing I have a built in excuse to go to a coffee shop every week and write.

My husband is a business guy, I call him the Human Calculator, because, we’ll he is.  It is freaky how well he can calculate numbers and percentages in his head when it comes to money. And because he’s a bottom line kinda of guy, in his mind – paying for coffee every week is a business expense -which means I can get away with it.  (Take notes ladies, this is how it’s done.)

So that’s part one of my self induced therapy plan – self-medicate, ie, drink coffee.

But the other part is to write about how I feel and how I’m processing the world, because . . . lean in. . .  I’m a stuffer.

 

Yeah, you heard me.  I stuff my emotions.

Which is why blogging is a such a great outlet.

At the heart of blogging is connection.

It’s all about letting another person into your world, the way you think and what you feel.

Because of this, bloggers are awesome people.

 

But right now I hate blogging.

And I kind of hate being a blogger.

And I definitely don’t feel awesome.

 

Because it means that I’m one of those people who processes her world by writing about it.

 

 

I’m a stuffer who writes about the stuff I don’t really want to write about because I figure if I put my stuff out there, I won’t be as much of a stuffer anymore. – Say that 10 times fast.

Here’s what my stuffy side doesn’t want to say tonight.

 

God’s not done healing me.

 

I actually thought he was.

I thought I had finally moved past all of my childhood issues and was on the cusp of something big. . . like the promised land of adulthood.

But I don’t think he got my memo.

 

Actually it’s the opposite.

It’s like he saved one of the biggest bombshells for last.

 

And here it is: Because of growing up in a home with a schizophrenic mother and living in a constant state of childhood trauma – I have  ummm — cough — tendencies.

 

What?

 

I said, I have — cough — tendencies.

 

Alright, fine.

 

I HAVE CODEPENDENT TENDENCIES.

There, I said it.

 

Maybe not a shocker for you, but it is for me.

 

And now I’m going from a season where I thought I was finished with all of this inner healing stuff to my-dreams-are-feeling-a-bit-like-sand-slipping-through-my-fingers-all-because-I don’t-know-how-to-not-be-overly-responsible-and-just-trust-God-when-it-comes-to-other-people’s-emotions.

Grrrrr me.

 

Here’s the crazy part, I knew he was up to something.

I was playing the piano one afternoon and just spending time with him, when God shows me this picture of a giant eye.  It reminded me of the nebula in the photo above.  Not intimidating or scary, but I was very aware that my heart was being searched.

And since then, I haven’t heard God say anything about it.

But I’m pretty sure that this discovery of codependent tendencies is tied to that day.

 

God means what he says. What he says goes. His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God’s Word. We can’t get away from it—no matter what.

Hebrews 4:12-13 (The Message)

 

Okay seriously, I didn’t even know I had codependency issues until like 2 months ago.  And it’s not like I want to keep them or anything but man, I wish that God would snap his fingers and make it just go away.

Open a can of miracle, right here, right now.

Because I am one bewildered girl right now.  Lez just be honest.  I did not realize I was as messed up as he is showing me I am.

 

My friends and family, however, are not as shocked.

 

To make matters worse, this has not been a fast moving kind of revelation.  This is more like a slow as molasses revelation.  As in, every day I’m going to show you what is going on and how it is affecting you and the people you love.

 

Ouch.

This really sucks.

 

But I don’t want to stay this way.

I really do want to change.

 

Repentance at its core is being willing to go through the process of being changed.

 

Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.

Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)

 

Okay, Jesus, so healing is what you’re offering me in this season.

I’ll take that mercy.

I’ll accept that help.

 

Photo Credit: “Helix Nebula” by WikiImages, permissions through C.C. by 2.0