I’m a little twitchy.
I’ve been a little twitchy all week actually. Finding things that “need” to be done. Projects that “need” to be tackled. My mind is constantly thinking of 30 unrelated things at once. But move over WebMD, I think I’ve self-diagnosed the problem.
ADD of the soul.
Yep, that’s right. ADDots. It sometimes progresses to ADHD depending on if I’ve got the energy to keep up with myself. I even have the spiritual Ritalin to calm the jitters but do I take my medicine? No, because that would make too much sense. I’m with Paul when he bemoans in Romans 7:15-24, the things I want to do I don’t. Agggghhh! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
Amen, preach it brotha, because I am right there with you.
There is this whisper resounding around in my soul.
Here is your cure: Be still and know that I am God.
“What? I can’t hear you God. Can you speak up?” I yell as I continue to jackhammer my way through life.
Why can’t I just be still?
I think it’s because I have these preconceived ideas of what God might do when I finally manage to slow down enough to hear him.
He might scold me for taking so long.
He might ignore me for not listening right away.
He might have a list of all the things that I have royally screwed up on – and that’s just today.
But maybe more than all of that, I’m afraid that he won’t do any of those things.
I’m afraid that he might just say, I love you and I’ve missed spending time with you. I’m afraid because he knows me so well and I’ll fall to pieces at the slightest trace of an honest conversation with him. That whole, “you had me at hello” bit.
All of the things I’ve been trying to juggle will fall and it will just be him and me.
And honestly, my heart is a little tender, a little sensitive right now and I don’t want anyone to touch it, even if it is to bring healing to it. I hate feeling like this. Feeling so weak and needy, because I feel like I need him all the time. Like oxygen. It’s cute and endearing when we sing songs at church about needing him like the air we breathe and more than our next heartbeat, but the truth is that it borders on the insane how much we truly need him. How much I truly need him. Sometimes I feel like a God stalker.
Be still and know that I am God.
Okay, so now I’ve got my headphones on and my iTunes playing some chill music (it helps my heart to focus and my brain to stop spinning it’s wheels so fast). I begin to pray,
Lord, my heart hurts and I miss you. I miss our morning coffees together and talking about everything and nothing. This last week rocked me. Help! I think I might be drowning in all the things I think are expected of me instead of just being Joyce. Help me to come back to the way we were.