I write for my sanity.
You thought I wrote just because I loved you.
I really do.
But writing also helps keep me sane.
You see, by writing I have a built in excuse to go to a coffee shop every week and write.
My husband is a business guy, I call him the Human Calculator, because, we’ll he is. It is freaky how well he can calculate numbers and percentages in his head when it comes to money. And because he’s a bottom line kinda of guy, in his mind – paying for coffee every week is a business expense -which means I can get away with it. (Take notes ladies, this is how it’s done.)
So that’s part one of my self induced therapy plan – self-medicate, ie, drink coffee.
But the other part is to write about how I feel and how I’m processing the world, because . . . lean in. . . I’m a stuffer.
Yeah, you heard me. I stuff my emotions.
Which is why blogging is a such a great outlet.
At the heart of blogging is connection.
It’s all about letting another person into your world, the way you think and what you feel.
Because of this, bloggers are awesome people.
But right now I hate blogging.
And I kind of hate being a blogger.
And I definitely don’t feel awesome.
Because it means that I’m one of those people who processes her world by writing about it.
I’m a stuffer who writes about the stuff I don’t really want to write about because I figure if I put my stuff out there, I won’t be as much of a stuffer anymore. – Say that 10 times fast.
Here’s what my stuffy side doesn’t want to say tonight.
God’s not done healing me.
I actually thought he was.
I thought I had finally moved past all of my childhood issues and was on the cusp of something big. . . like the promised land of adulthood.
But I don’t think he got my memo.
Actually it’s the opposite.
It’s like he saved one of the biggest bombshells for last.
And here it is: Because of growing up in a home with a schizophrenic mother and living in a constant state of childhood trauma – I have ummm — cough — tendencies.
I said, I have — cough — tendencies.
I HAVE CODEPENDENT TENDENCIES.
There, I said it.
Maybe not a shocker for you, but it is for me.
And now I’m going from a season where I thought I was finished with all of this inner healing stuff to my-dreams-are-feeling-a-bit-like-sand-slipping-through-my-fingers-all-because-I don’t-know-how-to-not-be-overly-responsible-and-just-trust-God-when-it-comes-to-other-people’s-emotions.
Here’s the crazy part, I knew he was up to something.
I was playing the piano one afternoon and just spending time with him, when God shows me this picture of a giant eye. It reminded me of the nebula in the photo above. Not intimidating or scary, but I was very aware that my heart was being searched.
And since then, I haven’t heard God say anything about it.
But I’m pretty sure that this discovery of codependent tendencies is tied to that day.
God means what he says. What he says goes. His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God’s Word. We can’t get away from it—no matter what.
Hebrews 4:12-13 (The Message)
Okay seriously, I didn’t even know I had codependency issues until like 2 months ago. And it’s not like I want to keep them or anything but man, I wish that God would snap his fingers and make it just go away.
Open a can of miracle, right here, right now.
Because I am one bewildered girl right now. Lez just be honest. I did not realize I was as messed up as he is showing me I am.
My friends and family, however, are not as shocked.
To make matters worse, this has not been a fast moving kind of revelation. This is more like a slow as molasses revelation. As in, every day I’m going to show you what is going on and how it is affecting you and the people you love.
This really sucks.
But I don’t want to stay this way.
I really do want to change.
Repentance at its core is being willing to go through the process of being changed.
Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.
Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)
Okay, Jesus, so healing is what you’re offering me in this season.
I’ll take that mercy.
I’ll accept that help.
Photo Credit: “Helix Nebula” by WikiImages, permissions through C.C. by 2.0